There is a beautiful human being inside everyone. But the world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, will not like you. We all have flaws. We all have things about ourselves we struggle to embrace. We all have insecurities, whether we admit them out loud or not. There’s this silent checklist we are told we need to tick off to be “worthy”. Be pretty but not too pretty. Be slim but also curvy in the “right” places. Be ambitious but not intimidating. Be nurturing but not a pushover. Be soft but still strong. Be bold, but still timid. It’s exhausting. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, you’re always falling short of some standard that keeps shifting.
Since my childhood, I was taught that it was very important to be aware of what other people thought of me and my actions at all times. While I enjoyed the part of my upbringing that taught me to always be polite, the part that taught me to put others’ opinions before my own is something that I came to resent. Before I made any decision, I was to carefully weigh out how it would affect others and their thoughts of me. As a child, it worked out pretty well, but as an adult…not so much. The constant need to have everyone like me came back to kick me in the butt, again and again. I built myself completely around others’ expectations, from the way I looked to my friends to my relationships, passions, personality and more. I never revealed my true self to anyone, as I didn’t want to drive them away. If I got into arguments, I would either apologize and take their side or simply pull myself away from them further as I convinced myself that we were not meant to be. I used to anchor my happiness to the happiness of others. If people around me were smiling, if they felt cared for and enjoyed my company, then I could finally breathe, as if I had earned the right to exist. All I knew is that my needs came second and that my value came from meeting the needs of others. I thought this was kindness — a pure desire to make everyone feel seen, loved and safe. What I craved was not just affection but also validation. I had a burning need to be wanted and a desperate want to be needed. And once I tasted approval, I couldn’t stop. It became an addiction. I constantly felt the need to be available for everyone so that no one would be able to reject or replace me so easily. I tried to learn many things so that I could always be there for them. Yet, in the process, I failed to value myself since the world previously taught me that I am only valued if I have something to give.
But as I grew older, I started to see the cracks in my system. No matter how carefully I curated myself or how tirelessly I tried to be agreeable, some people disliked me anyway. Some didn’t like the fact that I was too quiet. Some felt uncomfortable about my sad face. Some said I was fake. Some just hated my guts for no apparent reason. I could see that it was just self-righteousness masked with selflessness. I felt exhausted being a people pleaser, prioritising others’ happiness over my own, fearing rejection and hate and always struggling to say no. I realised that the idea of being liked by everyone was a fantasy that belongs in fiction, not reality. I realised that you can never be everyone’s cup of tea. You will not always be qualified in someone’s eyes, in someone’s standards. Some people will only remember you when it’s convenient, and once they’ve taken what they want, they’ll disappear without a second thought. They don’t care about you the way you cared about them. By trying to cater my life and decisions to everyone else besides the only person whose feelings mattered (me), I drove myself into an unhappy place in an impossible attempt to make everyone happy.
You can’t make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. This is your tragedy, because you understand them, but they don’t understand you. People can only understand us at the depths in which they meet themselves. Of course, it is with everyone. Only enlightened ones are ok all the time, and that too because of their enlightenment. The rest of humanity keeps on suffering. Some suffer less and some more, due to one reason or another. After all, the joy of living comes from our lives being imperfect. We know the strength of our love for our loved ones when we know we unconditionally accept their flaws. We know we are loved when our loved ones accept us for who we really are. The beauty of being human is that we are both strong and weak at the same time. Each human being has a different perspective, and hence what may seem beautiful to you may not be the same for me.
Hence, being not okay isn’t always a bad thing. It gives people the permission to admit that they are “not okay”, that they are struggling with personal issues, that they are tired of pretending or that they are unable to keep up the pretence any longer. It also gives you a minute or two to just understand yourself better about why you aren’t feeling better. That way you can rearrange your priorities better and be okay with your emotions. We all face challenges now and then. So, it is okay not to be okay about it. It is okay not to be ashamed to admit that you are having problems and need help. It is important for people to know that we are all human and none of us are really perfect. Your value as a human isn’t reduced because you’re not perfect. Your value isn’t reduced when you feel like you can’t keep moving forward. You are valued. You are loved. You are important. Even with your scars, wounds and baggage, whatever they are.
Nothing wrong with being a little vulnerable and it being OK. Somehow, somewhere, you learn a lot and slowly establish your own boundaries, even though it’s difficult. You try to learn to filter who has access to you and your inner peace. It can feel incredibly unfair at times, but you finally realise that you cannot force others to understand or love us as we wish. Mixing empathy with people-pleasing can lead to deep disappointment and pain. That’s why it’s important not to take on others’ energies constantly — sometimes, just observing is enough. You may find the courage to detach from situations and people who don’t serve you right anymore. If they don’t love you anymore the way you wanted them to, that’s fine. All that matters is you have pure intentions, and maybe you will find your people too who will always be true to you and supportive and will understand you in all ways. When you have pure intentions, you don’t lose them; they lose you. Sharing your path with someone is a sacred gift. Don’t cheapen it by rolling yours in the wrong direction. You don’t even like everyone to begin with. It’s important to strike a balance between feeling your emotions, letting them happen, and letting them "rule" you.
We realise too late, and oftentimes on our deathbed, that there was nothing to be ashamed of in life. Your mistakes do not define you. They show you a roadmap to stumble better next time, until one day you stop stumbling. What isn’t okay is giving up, not trying again and leaving the goal in between only because the journey is hard.
It’s okay to not be perfect and not to have everything figured out. It’s okay to feel things that are shameful and feel guilty. It’s okay if you don’t get what you prayed for, It’s okay to fail, It’s okay to slow down, It’s okay if your favourite person chooses their new favourite over you, It’s okay if the person you want doesn’t want you back, It’s okay if some days are dark and dull, it’s fine to be low on some days. It’s basically okay to have scars and to show them; it is okay to show that you’ve been through all sorts of things and have come out a different and better person because of it. It's okay to be naive, to trust, to choose wrong, to be betrayed, to get hurt, to feel low, to cry, to be helpless, to make mistakes. AFTER ALL, YOU ARE JUST A HUMAN.
There are billions of us. You are not alone. And lastly, whoever, whatever, however, wherever you are- BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. Don’t waste your precious time trying to convince them of your value, to walk alongside you, they won’t ever want what you are conveying. You will be wasting both your time and theirs and will likely inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal. One of the most freeing things we learn in life is that we don’t have to like everyone, everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s perfectly okay.
One has to accept the fact that:
Not everyone is for you, and you will not be for everyone. So, sometimes it’s absolutely okay not to be okay; with time, this too shall pass.
