Sometimes, all it takes is finding a piece of yourself through events that don’t usually fall on your calendar. One such instance occurred at the start of Grade X—when your parents expect you to pilot the space shuttle, but all you feel is the pressure being placed on you. It came as a sudden shock to realize that I’d come a long way and that this was the first significant thing I’d ever have to deal with.
Suddenly, everyone around me became my competitors, and everything felt dull. My parents understood that I needed to be less human and more robotic, because this was a crucial time in my life. I was stressed out during the first few days—putting in more than four hours of self-study, three hours of coaching, and carrying the weight of a lifetime of education.
Even though I knew it was just the final board exams, I used to tell myself, "Now this is it, I can’t tolerate anymore." In any case, I had to prepare—so my parents could be proud of me. All I could sense in that moment was the fleeting chase of success.
Up until Grade IX, I was the kind of student who did everything in my power to finish the syllabus on my own. But in Grade X, it became mandatory to attend coaching and get help outside school. I followed my guardians’ instructions to the letter, though I still hoped to return even stronger.
Everything actually went well—my teachers were helpful, and I felt I could perform much better if I consistently put in the same amount of effort across subjects.
Before Grade X, I had a history of falling ill or having some kind of mishap during exams. This time, I prayed that God would clear my path of any such impediments. But I’m convinced God ignored that one—because I ended up injuring my leg and missed school and coaching for a good 15 days.
Then came the half-yearly examinations. I did fairly well—except in mathematics, which left me feeling insecure. I used to think I wasn’t cut out for technical subjects, or anything that required more brainwork than memorization.
My mother was my strongest advocate and support system. Despite her own fear of math, she helped me break free from the cycle of fear that kept growing inside me. My father, who didn’t even create a schedule for himself as a child, made one that worked perfectly for me and included all my activities.
That’s where I felt the most emotional and psychological support. They made me believe that even if all doors seem shut, there’s always hope. And I believe that’s exactly what most students need when they’re at their lowest.
By November, it was time to see how much I could truly score in the board examination. By then, I was confident and had done well in both pre-boards. To this day, I credit my recovery—from almost losing myself midway through the year—to my parents.
By mid-February, as the board exams approached, I’d watched everything possible on YouTube—there was nothing left to review. A nervous girl who had never scored above 90 gave it her all and gave herself one last chance.
The day finally came—I had to demonstrate everything I’d learned in the past year. Exams came and went, and with each one, I gained a little more self-assurance.
Then the results came in. We received the news at school. I was trembling badly as I rushed home. With shaking hands, I opened my result—and I was shocked. I had received a solid 96%. I felt like I had finally accomplished my goal. I was on cloud nine.
However, in reality, Class X is almost irrelevant. Your Grade 10 score is useless. It’s only meant to give you hope for the more challenging parts of life that lie ahead. I was devastated to learn that it wouldn’t be considered anywhere.
BUT,
After losing myself for a year, I realized that if I study literature, history, and archaeology, I can truly become a better version of myself.
Before Grade X, I genuinely disliked social science. But in Grade X, I discovered how fascinating history is. How a reader consumes content is entirely up to them. That helped me realize that social science—once uninteresting—turned out to be the most fascinating subject I’d ever studied.
And mathematics, which I had feared for so long, actually turned out to be easy.
That’s something I only discovered after losing my original self for a year.
Phenomenal piece, Shrishti.
Sending love 💌