The old saying is true: When you marry someone, you marry their whole family and that includes their mother. You can choose your life partner, but not your mother-in-law. Mother-in-laws often get a bad rap for being overbearing or controlling, but it only makes sense that the person who changed a child's diapers, fed them and nurtured them for the first couple of decades of their life would have strong opinions on their life now. Once you are married to your partner, you kind of marry his/her mother too.  

In Indian families, a Mother-in-Law and Daughter–in–Law’s relationship is very significant and amazing. Both belong to different poles but have to stay together bearing all sweet and sour taunts. A mother-in-law is a commanding figure, wresting power from her daughter-in-law and keeping a firm control over her son and the complete family household. No matter how hard she tries not to, a daughter-in-law always has some regrets and grudges directed towards her mother-in-law, and surely, the same holds true for the other person involved in this equation. 

1. Till the marriage is over, the Mother-In-Law will be so nice that the bride feels like she is getting a home where her Mother-In-Law loves her like her own mother, but scenarios change once she is married. After marriage, the Mother-In-Law plays an important role in changing her Daughter-In-Law. She has to learn cooking like very properly. Even if it is her first time, she should cook as if she has mastered the art, may be better than Mr. Sanjeev Kapoor {Indian celebrity chef}. Otherwise, Mother-In-Law will start blaming Daughter-In-Law's mother for not teaching her anything. Daughter-In-Law should get up early everyday irrespective of the weekends and do all the chores. This applies even if she is a working woman. Daughter-In-Law should not spend good times with her husband. This makes the Mother-In-Law jealous. She feels like someone is taking her son away from her. . But but but….. Even though her son and the Daughter-In-Law doesn't spend time together…they should have a child within a year of marriage. Otherwise there is something wrong with the Daughter-In-Law, but her son is perfectly alright. Further, Daughter-In-Laws should attend every function…she should be nicely dressed and should look beautiful. Even if she is suffering from any kind of illness, there is no exemption for this.
2. For a Mother-In-Law, the entry of the Daughter-In-Law signals an impending change of guard with respect to how the home is run and who will be in charge of day-to-day affairs. Though she may wish to get along well with you (because you are important to her son!), she also fears that she will be gradually side-lined and eventually rendered irrelevant in her son’s life because of your eventual takeover of all the responsibilities and decision-making and most important for daring to take her dear son away from her.
3. One day, your Mother-In-Law may act friendly and supportive towards you, and the next day, she may be upset and complaining over something trivial.
4. More than often, Mother-In-Law’s don’t “permit” or “approve” their Daughter-In-Law’s desire to continue their jobs after marriage. The fact that the new-age woman does not want to spend her time at home as much as the older woman did during her time as an obedient daughter-in-law. Even if the mother-in-law claims to be progressive by “allowing” their daughter-in-law to work after marriage, they continue to impose subtle conditions – to wear only conservative clothes, to be back home early, to manage the household even after returning from work and so on. Somehow Mother-In-Law’s expect that their Daughter-In-Law should carry on the same pattern by taking care of their mothers-in-laws so that the latter can make up for all the abuse she had endured in her life which ultimately leads to the daughter-in-laws becoming resentful of her mother-in-law’s lack of empathy and constant nagging. They treat their daughter-in-law poorly and hold them to the same high standards that they themselves had faced and continuously set an imaginary bar so high that the daughter-in-law can never reach it, no matter how hard they try.  Also, Mother-In-Law’s often put extreme expectations on their Daughter-In-Laws, ones that they would never place on their own sons or daughters.
5. A special mention about the Saas-Bahu TV serials. Some Mother-In-Law’s are very sweet but, unfortunately, their existence revolves around characters from the numerous Hindi serials that she watches. They are so addicted to TV serials that their pass time is watching and sometimes listening to these serials as they finish up cooking and other chores around the house. Not one serial is void of melodrama: there’s always something evil brewing (mostly between Saas - Bahu), accompanied by fighting and crying, but not one scene where the audience can actually relax and laugh. Another thing I have realized about these serials is that it doesn’t really matter if you miss a few episodes here and there. The stories move at a snail’s pace and you can easily catch up after a few weeks or even a month. And it is not like these serials end in a few months, some of them keep going on and on for 5 years or more. In most of the hindi serials, a Saas is often depicted as one of the most dreaded species of TV serials exhibiting no sense of mercy when she opens her mouth to target her most beloved daughter-in-law. 
6. Some Mother-in-Law’s want their son to have a less ambitious wife. They actually tell the Daughter-in-Law’s not to share her dreams and ambitions with her husband because it might make him feel inferior.
7. Some will interfere in your married life giving you a parenting manual (with highlighted parts) commenting and advising on your sex life & positions you must have on your bed. Tell her that you don’t intend to plan your family for next 5 years, she would react as if you can’t ever deliver a child.
8. That expression when you ask your Mother-in-Law if you can wear jeans. She will act as if you have asked her to wear a mini skirt. Howsoever decent jeans may be, covering your entire body, but you know “Bahu tho saree mai hi Sundar lagti hai”
9. Well, the day you got married to her son, you agreed not to go to your mayka – [Mum’s house]. So you see never ask for her permission, because if you do, she will come up with 100 reasons to make you stay. It sounds weird, but in most cases it is true.
10. Ask her if you can go out for a dinner with your husband. You can’t forget that you are asking her to go out with her beloved son. Try and avoid claiming her son. You may have married him, but your mother in law is supposed to be the queen of his heart.
11. Never try to navigate the kitchen battlefield with your mother-in-law. The kitchen and home management are often seen as the mother-in-law’s domain. A new wife entering this space can feel like a direct challenge to the mother’s authority.
12. As her if you can go for shopping, you have pressed her painful nerve. Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi. And this bahu (today’s saas) was so economical and managed the house so well. So you see the moment you mention shopping to her, be ready for a long lecture on how you should save money and value each penny. So better do the shopping quickly and secretly, if your mother-in-law is one of the economical bahu’s of yesteryears. Don’t budge the monthly budget. She might be poor with maths but she is very good at managing house budgets and is the queen of figures.
13. Never dare to tell her “I know what my husband likes and I can manage him”. Perhaps you know your husband very well and can manage him in the best possible way. But, do give your mother-in-law benefit of a doubt, after all, she has given birth to your husband and she also knows him quite well.
14. The Indian husbands often gets "sandwiched" between the two most important women in their life. It frequently stems from cultural conditioning where the son is expected to be emotionally dependent on his mother and the daughter-in-law is expected to adjust to the existing family structure, leading to power struggles. For Indian men, their mother is like a “God!”. Also, most of the Indian mothers become very possessive about their children, especially after the son’s marriage, as she is not able to take up the divided attention. Further, Men too always tell their wives to tone down, to take it all, not to reply back to the mother, just keep quiet even if she is wrong.   A sensible mother never makes her son suffer, she steps back on her own. She understands once the son is married, his priorities will change. She takes a backseat and passes on the baton to the daughter in law.

There is so much that an Indian mother-in-law can choose not to do or say, to make her daughter-in-law’s life and marriage more sorted. I want every mother-in-law to know:

1. I love and respect your son and that is why I married him. But I also made a vow to love and respect his family. So no matter what, you are equally important to me.
2. “Take care of my son” – Perhaps, this is the first thing a bahu hears from her mother-in-law after her wedding. This sentence is said both as an instruction and a plea. But does it need to be said out loud really? The problem is that in Indian homes, we don't know where care stops and slavery begins. Does caring for a husband means cooking for him and being a supportive partner? Does it also mean eating and cleaning up after him and never holding him accountable for any household chores? If so, then is your raja beta keeping his side of the promise in our marriage? What about him caring for my well-being, did you give him a pep-talk about that?
3. I know you know your Son best, his habits, favorites and history better than anyone else, which can be helpful or intrusive depending on the situation. But a small Correction. You know a version of your son, better than anyone else. You know the obedient kid who would take your permission every time he wanted to go and play video games with his friends, who selected his subject and career based on his parents' expectations. But are you sure, you know the man that he became after he went to college? Do you know what kind of a colleague or a boss he is? Then how can you say that you know him better than anyone else? There is a version of him that you know better than me, but the same holds true for me too.
4. My son is a good man, it's just that...: Dear Sasumaa, being a good son to you, doesn't make your child a good man by default. Each one of us has our own set of faults and as a couple, we bring them to our marital bed with us. So when I complain about something that he is not doing right, I expect a sympathetic ear from you or a word of advice to your ladla beta. But what I never asked for, but got anyways, was only a two hour lecture on my character & behaviour.
5. He may be a good man, a great father and an exemplary son, but if I feel that he is not being a good husband, then don't I have the right to point that out? Should my grievances be overlooked, because they are not a priority to you or to our society or only because he is your son? Or because a wife should always count her blessings if she is married to a "good man" even if her marriage is a loveless one?
6. He works so hard, he deserves to be comfortable when he is home: Guess what, even I work hard and so do you. I admire how you spend the day cleaning the home, managing so many chores and also taking care of my kids when I am at work. You deserve comfort too. But you put your comfort last and never ask your husband or son to help out with the household chores. It doesn't just stop there; you expect me to do the same. So why does his comfort matter, but not yours or mine?
7. You keep on comparing me to your daughter and keep on taunting me to become like her. But I can never be like her.. I am what I am and you will have to accept me the way I am just the way I have accepted you the way you are
8. I want your grandchildren to have a great relationship with you. My children share your blood. I will do my best to facilitate that on my end and I will always appreciate your efforts in that area too.
9. Please give me some space to develop my relation with your Son. I know this will be a hard transition for both of us, but I want to work through it with you. Please be assured, when you give me space to create this new family dynamic, you don’t need to be afraid of losing your son.
10. Be it child care or husband welfare, there are no shortage of instructions that we are expected to trust blindly, because “Badon” ka experience is always greater than our experience, modern sensibilities, access to internet and practical approach, all combined. Sasumaa, agreed, your experience brings a lot to the table, but please don't expect us to trust it blindly. Atleast hear us out.
11. Like you, for us too, Family always comes first. But at the same time, our career aspirations should be valued as much as that of your Son. Please don't expect me to decline that promotion at work, because Baccha kaun sambhalega. No woman can be successful without a support system to back her up. It would mean so much to me, to have you in my corner, helping out, rather than holding me back from achieving my potential.

Finally, I value your advices, but there is never one way of doing things.  I want to develop my own experiences, that will only come from doing things my way, failing miserably and learning from my mistakes. Let me make mistakes, it is not a sign of failure, after all, it is just me trying to figure out MY life on MY terms. I agree it is a powerful balancing act, but let me hold on to my own identity and simultaneously also be the “anchor” for the people I love the most [your son especially] who will always be my primary concern. The world could always be a better place with little bit more patience, understanding and lots of love!!